parent mi parent

it feels like

i was put on this earth

to parent

my parents

in many respects
i was 13

when my mom

and similarly

my father

started a precipitous

downslide
and the realization

became evident
that i was more intelligent

financially

emotionally

intellectually

and spiritually
this realization came 

all at once

like within a year’s time

or less
and the gap widened

year by year
it was not only 

their addiction

after awhile
well perhaps

they degraded so much

through their addictions

that they actually 

we’re regressing

back into childhood
so that when they quit 

their addictions

they actually found themselves

behind where they were
it feels so weird
what 

to think about this

debt

i now believe
i have paid back
all the debt
i owe to my parents
for creating me
and raising me

i no longer owe them
an attempt
to try and help
or save them

the debt is complete
it is finished
i feel in deep pain

escalation

why am i living here
i don’t know exactly

on the one had
it’s miserable
living with people
who don’t help themselves

and simply respond
i don’t know
i’m not sure
i’m gonna figure it out
when they are clearly doing
the wrong thing(s)

these responses would be
ok
and understandable even
from a person
who seems to be genuinely
putting forth efforts
to change their circumstance for the better

however
my parents are not really doing this

it gets maddening
i feel like maybe
i should be taking drugs everyday
and checking out
and thinking selfishly about myself

if i listened to my parents
listened to their actions
and honored them in this way

that’s exactly what i would do
act as they act
and do as they do

is that
what you want
mom and dad

…

anyway, i’ve resolved myself
to living around this area
for 2 more months

there is something inside me
which tells me this is the right thing
despite the obvious rational signs
to the contrary

i have my own personal plans
and maybe that’s it

i feel this is training
for me to sharpen focus
in inhospitable environments

it will be the last time
i find myself stuck here
because i will accept homelessness
rather than return here again
out of necessity

even now
i don’t feel
i am imprisoned

well somewhat i do
but that is a prison of my own making
not one imposed by external forces

because once one
frees oneself
from the prison inside

prisons outside
no longer
carry the same force
anymore

…

and so
i will escalate
accordingly as
the months go through

each day
following up
on the thing we discussed
the day before

escalating
in clarity
focus
peace
conviction
enthusiasm

and holding them
accountable
each day

in hopes
they will return the favor
and enter into a mutually
reinforcing positive cycle
of communitive regenerativity

and maybe this
is why i stay

the hell
gives birth
to a heaven of insight

insight which i will need
in the coming days ahead..

ring of fire

nico was here
he sang
of a ring of fire

now he is not here
and my mother just told me
my father took money
from her
which she was going to use
to get bir
th certificate
and marriage certificate

so she could work

she is legally blind
she was appealing to me sympathy

so then i asked my father
if he had done this

and he said
not exactly

he said
they both spent the money

he was acting uneasy
stuttering and mincing
his words

and then he said he answered the question
and went inside

…

what i believe
is that if my mom was serious
she would be willing to do many things
to improve her situation

she would be willing
to do the work
i see she can do

shee

trapped

it’s interesting

how trapped i can feel
i love my parents

but they do not seek

what i seek
increasingly

i want to form community

where we work together each day
but it seems

they are simply happy

enjoying

and relaxing

and being comfortable
i do not see it this way

i see
constant vigilance

is necessary
yesterday’s glories

no matter how marvelous

do not make up for

a lack of effort today

never
not to impose

an eternal prison sentence

but this comes from joy
the joy of seeing thriving

not only in the past

not only in the present

but in the future as well
as past present and future

are all the same 
anyway

it hurts so bad

i feel like i’ve wasted time

but i have no time

to even consider the wasted time

rubber soles from shoes

the rubber shoes were coming off my shoes. i tries to glue them a few times but now i am conflicted about whether i should continue using glue, which is a somewhat unsustainable material. 

is there a sustainable glue?

anyway, i’ve decided to rip off the soles completely and make pseudo-slippers out of my shoes. and i’m going to give the rubber soles to a shoemaker in my local area to perhaps use. 

let’s have a look 🙂

demons follow..

it’s very difficult

sometimes it seems

like my demons follow

no matter what
i am living

with my parents again currently

their demons

are still alive and kicking

poor health habits

inability to communicate

truth and honesty

because of fear and insecurity
and now

my childhood friend is here
i invite abuse

in a sense

but i don’t know entirely

how to escape it
it feels like

the only way

is to push

with full force 

against it
but then i feel bad

like i’m a tyrant

insisting only on my own way
but it seems to be the only way

i can get these demons

off my back
otherwise

they take advantage

of my accommodating nature
criticizing me 

for their lack

and failing to appreciate

and acknowledge

my light
and also failing to appreciate

and acknowledge

their own lack
but insisting

on pulling me down 

as they drown
am i a bastard

for letting go
perhaps they do not know

what they are doing

but

is that my fault

or responsibility
because they have chosen

this poor path

without enough knowledge

or intelligence

or foresight

or insight 

to see it
is that my responsibility 

what do i do

The Angry Father

I am so angry at my father right now. Well, not as much after this doobie. But he put his cigarettes out into a plant I was growing. I can’t understand why he did that. I asked him not-to 10 times already and he did it, well if it wasn’t him, it was his brain ordering his arm to move and his hands and fingers to drop the cigarettes into a cup holding a plant. Not only one by accident, but four. I cannot understand how he could have done this inadvertently or by accident. I am in equal astonishment why he would do something like this on purpose. Unless it’s some kind of deep repressed resentment for me or something I did or how I treated him in a certain situation.

Anyway, I dumped the plant with the cigarettes in front of his room. I’m not sure if this was the right decision but what was I supposed to do? Ask him nicely for the 11th time? Is that what we do when someone disrespects our boundaries? We continue to ask them nicely not to do it even though they are doing it over and over again. We have to escalate and act more assertively and perhaps even more aggressively at a certain point. I mean, I don’t know, right? Isn’t that the only two alternatives? Continue doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result or change the approach in some way and see if that has a different result.

I don’t fucking know, but I felt very pissed off. Something is not right, though.

Hell?

am i in hell
i was thinking in the shower today

…

my mom is ill

people outsides forces
have hurt her

her own lifestyle choices
have hurt her

now she lays
dying
by my estimation
probably 6 months to live

her body decaying
what’s worse
her spirit

dim
like a fading star
perhaps waiting
for one last chance

but if all goes
unchanged
then the apocalypse comes
in 6 months

…

am i in hell
i was thinking in the shower today

what could be worse
than seeing the blade cut
for 5 billion seconds
slowly
the death wound
is applied

and you can’t stop it
i can’t stop it
i yell
i scream
i try to grab the knife
but there’s something there
stopping me
like a force field
an evil force shield
blocking me
from taking the knife

why is this happening
am i in hell

…

and then i thought
what could be worse

and i couldn’t think of anything
this is the worst
this is the worst hell i can imagine

watching my mother
someone i love
die
of a thousand razors

self-inflicted?

that’s another thing
i can’t tell where all the razors are coming from

i mean
some must be coming from her
but there are others
coming seemingly out of the air
and attacking her

i don’t know what this all means
but i know this is
the worst hell
i can imagine

there is only one worse

…

if everyone in the world
was afflicted
by the same dis-ease

if everyone was
mortally biting themselves to death

a madness
and if i was the only one
again
trying desperately to stop it
but to no avail

force fields and shields
blocking me
again

i can’t touch
or relate with anyone

they are killing themselves
everyone and i can’t stop it

god help me
endure this hell

love sustain me
to brave this agonizing abyss

is there something wrong with me

The gift of darkness goes interstellar

A box of darkness is a great gift indeed

It’s blasphemy in the moment

Has given me exactly what I need

Transforming anger and victimous feelings

Into strength and higher ceilings

Sharper insight

And brave wings for flight

Deeper patience

From which to practice

Compassion integrations

Hardy grit

At the center of my soul

Pole to magnetic pole

An strange attractor

A repeller

A creative generator

Constructing a spirit

With roots of love

Capable of weaving 

Interstellar